A friend recently asked, “What makes When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography different than other books written for women on this subject?” I explained that this book is not meant to give her tools and skills to fix her husband. It is for and about her, not her husband.
When I speak for a women’s conference or retreat, I always share my story. As a result, I meet many women who share their own stories. Too often they tell me that after their husband revealed his addiction, he went to counseling, joined an accountability group, used filtering software … in other words, he did all the “right” things, but she is still hurting, doesn’t trust him, feels betrayed, won’t let him touch her, is angry … There are great books that will help a woman understand her husband’s addiction, but I wrote my book to help her deal with her heart and these issues.
I’m not a counselor, but I am a wife whose heart has been restored after experiencing the betrayal associated with a husband addicted to pornography, and I have a deep love for the Wonderful Counselor. I feel strongly that Jesus is best equipped to tend to a broken heart and offer hope and healing to a woman regardless of her husband’s daily choices about pornography.
A husband’s use of pornography is not about the wife. I hope he has told her this, but I suspect that even if he did, she isn’t sure. She should believe it. Pornography is a selfish act meant to meet his own perceived needs. That means she is not in competition with digitally enhanced images of other women. This is not about her appearance, her sexual availability, or her competence in the bedroom. She does not need to be a size 8, get a tummy tuck, or engage in sexual acts that make her uncomfortable.
I want my reader to know that this is not her fault. In the end, we are all responsible for ourselves and how we walk in obedience to God’s Word—or don’t. She can’t control her husband’s choices. I also want to assure her that Jesus can and will take the broken pieces of her heart and make something beautiful of it. Psalm 147:3 confirms that “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
If we believe the statistics, 50-70% of Christian men are struggling with pornography. As I said on the video, it stands to reason then that the women who love them (wives, girlfriends) are also hurting. How has this been handled in your circles of influence? Do people (women) talk about it? Why/Why not?
More about Vicki: I am an author and speaker who has a passion for opening the Scriptures and pointing women to their true source of grace and faithfulness. For the past ten years, I have been honored to speak for numerous women at conferences, retreats, and women’s events. I am the author of three books including When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography (2012), Plug Me In and Let Me Charge Overnight (2009), and Parenting on Your Knees: Prayers and Practical Guidance for the Preschool Years (coming January 2013). I live in Rochester, Minnesota, with my husband Mike, daughter, and two sons. Visit her on the web.
You can access Sample Chapters from When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart by clicking above.
Links to buy the book:
Barnes and Noble (BN’s processing times are lagging, but it will eventually be available there as well)