Today hasn't been what I would call a good day. Would you like to know why? Well, let's start from the beginning...
I woke up and spent some time laughing and talking with my husband before he had to leave for work. The kids and I left for church just a few minutes later. The girls and I had our normal struggle to get things done, but we made it to church early. Since I had missed my devotional time, we sat in the van and read a few Psalms and my Proverb for the day together before going in. The sermon was absolutely fabulous. It was a sermon about God's grace, one I defiantly needed to hear. We came home and Kainen volunteered to make lunch, then he and the girls played in the pool, while Ty and I watched a movie. After the movie, everyone came back in to play computer games while I cleaned the kitchen. While I washed the dishes I thought about parenting, and how I want to show my children grace. I was thinking about all of the ways that I could do so, and that's when it happened. Ella wanted a snack, and I told her she had to wait until I finished the dishes. Kainen asked if he could get it for her, I thought that was extremely sweet and asked what he was going to give her, he said an orange. So I agreed. He proceeded to open the pantry door and ask her what she wanted, then opened the fridge and asked if she saw anything in there. He found a dirty plate and left the fridge and pantry open while he walked over to the cabinet and opened it, now the cabinet, fridge, and pantry are all standing wide open and he just stands there, doing nothing. I lost it. There were tons of godly ways that I could have handled the situation, but I chose none of them. Instead, I chose to scream at my children.
This decision ruined my entire day. I feel like such a failure. Here I was praying and begging God to help me show my children grace, and when the opportunity presented itself, I didn't do it. Not only am I damaging my precious children's view of God with my actions and lack of self control, but I am damaging His name in front of the two guys that are currently stay with us. At that point all I wanted to do was break down and cry. Instead, I sent my children to sit on the couch and spoke softly with them. We talked about how my actions were wrong, but how it built to that point. You see, this isn't all too unusual for my house. It doesn't happen daily or anything, but more often then it should. I am not what I consider a good mom, but the children and I talked about how we could make things better, or what some consequences would be if they kept going the way they were.
I was still tempted to go cry when we were done, but instead I got online to read through one of my favorite blogs. Before going to blogger, I went ahead and checked my facebook. One of my friends had posted a quote by Angela Hicks Heikkinen it said "Becoming obsessed with what people think about you is the quickest way to forget what God thinks about you." Was that what I was doing? Was I caring more about the opinion of those around me than I was about God? I cared what they thought because I didn't want to damage God's name, but I was reminded of something I heard several months ago, "God won't save people because of me, he will save them despite of me." Nothing I do is powerful enough to counter God's grace, or the blood of Christ. While I want to live a life that glorifies God, it isn't the end of the world when I fail. My next stop was the blog I was looking for, and what I found was the gospel (that's why it's one of my favorite blogs :) You can read the blog here.
So while my day appeared to be ruined, God really just used my failure to remind me about His awesome goodness. My kids have already forgiven me, and because of Christ and His glorious work on the cross, God has too. If you ever have days (or moments) like this, I highly encourage you to read the blog above, and remember, God doesn't depend on you to save those around you. He might use you, but He can also save them despite your best efforts and all of your mistakes. The people around us need Christ, not us.