Forgiveness, or lack thereof

Forgiveness is a huge part of love. I have learned a lot about forgiveness in my life. I talked about it on Monday, when I posted about the end of 1 Corinthians 13:5, I wrote about it back in November when I faced an unexpected surprise, and it's on my heart again today.

Yes, I have forgiven a lot during my life, my guess is, that you have too. We can all think of some of the big things that we have forgiven, but there are countless small things that we forgive without even a second glance. Well, last night God showed me a big thing that I haven't forgiven yet. Most of you who have been reading my blog for sometime now, know that I am divorced. My first husband left me for another woman. While he caused me tons of heartache and made my life miserable for several years while I tried to save our fallen marriage, I have completely and totally forgiven him for that. In fact, I would say that I don't even hold a grudge. That pain is in the past, and if he hadn't put me through all of that, I wouldn't be where I am today. I am practically thankful that it all happened. So where is my un-forgiveness?

My un-forgiveness showed up yesterday, when I was talking to my sweet little 6 year old son. You see, when I was pregnant with this little treasure, my ex-husband (his father), didn't want me to be. I got pregnant after he had told me that he had broke it off with this other girl and wanted to repair our marriage. Then, when I told him I was pregnant, instead of rejoicing, he asked me what his girlfriend was going to say. He had been lying to me, and now we were bringing a second child into the world where mommy and daddy weren't happily married. I was crushed. However, it didn't end there. While that was the last time that I trusted him, he called me almost daily to see if I had had a miscarriage yet. 2 weeks before I was scheduled to deliver I finally lost it and let him know that if I had a miscarriage at that point that it would be the last thing that he would want to ask me about. He had the nerve to show up at the hospital for our sons birth, and of course, my mom stepped aside and let him go to delivery with me. That was the only time he has ever shown any love for our child. After that, he just kind of faded into the background. In the past 3 years, the only time he has seen him was when the boys were visiting their grandparents (his parents) and he has happened to show up. They visit his parents once a year, so in the last half of my little boys life, he has seen his 'father' no more than 3 times.

I have forgiven my ex-husband for all the pain that he caused me. However, I have NOT forgiven him for what he has done to his child. I do not believe that he deserves to be loved by such a special little boy, that he didn't want me to have in the first place.

I'm so thankful that God doesn't only love those that deserve His love. God loves like my little 6 year old boy. Unconditionally. His love forgives, even when we don't deserve it. We have all treated God, just as my ex-husband treated my son. We have wished He wasn't there. We have tried to ignore His existence. We have hated Him. But He loves us anyway. I'm so thankful that He can forgive us for being so selfish, and I pray that He can help me love more like my 6 year old son.

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